Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
