Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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