I just pynch a tree in the face
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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