So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize