what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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