i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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