She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
