Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
