What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
