i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
