Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
