ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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