She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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