the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
this beer tastes like vomit already
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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