I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
