do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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