I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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