I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
