hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
