If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
