And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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