Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
