You can't special order awesome
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
