I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
