But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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