the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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