dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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