What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
