Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just high enough for therapy.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
