So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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