I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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