Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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