if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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