I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
