I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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