Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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