Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
