you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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