if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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