He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
