Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
