A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
