It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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