I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
