There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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