The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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