theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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