I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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