We got so high we made milksteak
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
