i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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