if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
