I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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