I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
