Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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