If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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