You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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